To Confess
by Crowbartender
Summary: Miley is living the college dream with her best friend beside her, but Lilly has a dangerous secret that could upend her life completely. Oneshot.


**Well guys, I had the urge to write and this is what came out. I wanted something different and to the point. Everything you read is fresh from my head, apart from a few minor tweaks, and only the ending was planned. Tell me how I went at winging it!**

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Her eyes are shining. They express her pain, her confusion. She doesn't know what to do, that much is clear.

"Lilly, please..." she whispers. Her voice is weak, as if struggling to speak to me. When did we ever have difficulty talking to each other?

"I'm sorry, Miley. I just... I can't be around you right now."

"You're still mad, aren't you?" She has no clue. Not a single fucking clue. I'm not mad at her. Not in the slightest. If anything, I'm mad at myself, at my heart. It's a traitor and I hate it.

"I can't say..." I really can't. There is no possible way to tell her what I've been going through. There has been an aching for so long. It burns, it devourers. I can't do a thing about it. I can't explore it, I can't think about it and I definitely can't tell Miley about it. She will never understand and I can't lose her, not again.

"You've kept this secret for weeks now, Lilly! I came back to go to college with you and you're treating me like a total stranger! Why can't you just tell me?"

She is agitated, lost in a passion. She's pacing the small room we share like she's crazed and I wish I could spill out everything I've kept locked up. Fuck this.

"I just can't, okay? Leave it alone!" I cry.

"I have, Lilly! I've given you your space, I've let you ignore me for days without bugging you and I've been patient! I'm your best friend and I want to know what's wrong so I can fix it!" She doesn't know a god damn thing. Her words strike one of my over-worked nerves and I snap.

"Fuck _off_, Miley!"

There. I said it. Her face crumbles and she recoils. I have never spoken to Miley like that before and it's obvious that I have hurt her. A lot. She's giving me one of the saddest looks I've ever seen and I hate myself for causing it.

"What's happening to you?" she asks quietly.

I say nothing and she turns around. She hesitates for a moment, as if waiting for me to stop her, but I remain silent, motionless.

She leaves.

* * *

I pass Miley in the hall. She averts her eyes when she notices me walking with my books clutched to my chest. I try not to look at her, I try to suppress the light feeling in my stomach, the elation, the flushed skin. But she can't help it as she sneaks a glance and she seems embarrassed to find me already staring at her.

She walks on. And I want to chase her until we collide. I miss our hugs. In her arms, the arms of a best friend, I know I am safe. I like to breathe her in and remind myself that Miley is home. Sweet smiles. Warm embraces. Knowing looks. Everything that I love about Miley was wrenched from me the moment I felt a change.

Growing up, I was taught that everyone changes depending on their surroundings. Mine hardly changed. There is Miley. There is Oliver. There is education. There is adventure. It is steady. Maybe I always had this feeling within me, but it was taking its time to awaken. It rested peacefully; leaving me unaware of the day it would rise and turn my life to hell. It allowed me to form the right bonds with the wrong people and only when I was sure that everything was perfect, it awakened and thought, 'Well, Lilly has it too easy, time to fuck things up.'

I want to slam my head into a wall multiple times until I stop loving Miley. It didn't happen the day she invited me to Paris. It didn't happen when she returned with open arms, ready to give up a dream to live out mine. It was a week later, as we studied.

Miley was by the window, ear buds in as she nodded her head along to the beat of one of her songs. She was too busy watching something outside and her class notes lay on the floor in a mess. She must have felt my eyes on her because she turned around.

The sun touched her face. She was vibrant, her gaze soft and her smile faint. She had never looked more beautiful to me. It was a shattering moment because it was at that very second that everything Miley had ever done for me really sunk in. The dedication she had was unbelievable at times and I felt a very intense affection for her. I smiled and rose. Her lips arched higher as I got closer and finally, I wrapped my arms around her. And when her body was tangled with mine, that is when the comatose feeling sprung awake and went straight for my heart.

* * *

Classes proceed as normal. I avoid my dorm room as much as I can because I know Miley might be there. I study outside, stay back after class, call Oliver to distract me, but Miley is always at the forefront of my mind. Fucking wonderful Miley. She is my oppressor. She tries to mend the cracks and they only get wider. My heart is breaking and Miley can't do a thing to save it. This has to go away.

I want to see Oliver, because I know I love him. The question is, what kind of love is it? Was it ever romantic love? Were the kisses just a nice thing to experience, or do I really see myself marrying him? Having children with him? Moving in with him? I am scared to think about the answer.

The suddenness of everything is too much for me. I couldn't go on eluding Miley because she is making her misery obvious. She isn't glaring, or crying. She is watching with pained eyes and I decide I should at least act like a friend no matter how much torment I put myself through.

* * *

She's in our room, sleeping. I startle when I realise it's my bed she's on and I take the opportunity to admire her face. She looks so young when she sleeps and I touch her cheek lightly. She stirs under my fingers and peeks open one eye. She smiles, delusional, happy.

"Hi," she says in a tired voice. It's cute.

"Hey." I can't help myself and I lean in, plant a kiss on her nose and realise that it isn't her nose I want to kiss.

"Why'd you do that?"

"I miss you." My answer brightens up her features and she pulls me into her arms.

I can't be sure how long I can last for.

* * *

Things are bearable, that's as much as I can hope for. I am aching for Miley, while she is totally thrilled to have her best friend back and it is only getting harder to resist temptation. She never questions my distant behaviour, my lack of playfulness. Never. She only places a hand over mine, squeezes, and moves on.

I do love her. That is certain. I can reject it, but I can't stop it. Miley has my heart.

And Oliver? He is gone. It's over. He hates me. Whatever. Life sucks and I couldn't just string Oliver along, making me feel worse. I can never be with Miley, I know that, but there may be someone from my distant future, waiting, willing. Someone ready to heal the open wounds. It isn't Oliver, it isn't Miley (no matter how much I wish it was). Right now, I have no one. The only sure thing in my life are my grades. I am doing well, but there is no point in achieving my dreams without the main one coming true. Before all the drama, the dream was going to college with Miley, sharing experiences with her, growing with her, being friends until the end. But now? I want all that, but instead of friendship, I want a whole lot more. I can treat her right, better than Jesse. He is a loser. He acts like a bad boy, but he is a pansy and Oliver used to spend his time making fun of him, joking about how he probably hasn't slept with Miley because he's hiding a vagina. I found it funny, but maybe if Jesse were a girl, I would have a better chance with Miley.

Then again, I don't want her liking any girl. I want to be special. I want to be the only girl she would ever consider getting involved with.

But, like I said, it is just a dream.

There is no chance of Miley ever accepting how I feel, but I am terrified. Tonight, we are alone together. She needs help with some English homework and we are sitting on the floor, my back against my bed frame and her back against hers. I am pitching ideas as she writes. She lacked inspiration and motivation, so she asked me to brainstorm with her.

"How about a woman that finds out there's a secret world in one of her breasts?" I suggest suddenly and Miley laughs. I love her laugh. It's rich, deep, soothing.

"I can't believe I have my own personal Einstein!"

"Just one of my many charms." She's happy and I am too, but I can't stand not having more of her. I hate seeing those gleaming teeth and not being able to kiss the lips that cover them. I hate that she shivers sometimes at night and I can't hold her. Everything I want can never happen and I sigh.

"Lil, what's wrong?" I didn't know she had heard.

"Huh? Oh, nothing. Keep writing," I instruct distantly. Miley shoves her book from her lap and crawls over to me. She places her hands firmly on my knees.

"It's time you told me what's up, Lilly. Please. You know I will always be here for you." This is it. I can't say no anymore. She's staring at me with such grief that she's close to crying. I know my heavenly Miley can't take secrecy anymore and I know I can't live another day not having her. It's all or nothing.

She waits and gently promises to never tell a soul. Such kindness warms my insides and I give in.

I kiss her.

She shoves me away.

I don't see her for the rest of the night.

* * *

Miley packs her things and there is no protest on my part. I sit on my bed, eyes trained out the window as she mutters to herself. She won't even look at me.

She finishes stuffing the last of her belongings into a suitcase and she exits the room. She's going back to Paris to make a late start on the movie. The producers were pissed off, but they need the publicity that comes with Miley's involvement in the film. I heard her call the producer last night and I tried not to make any noise as I cried. It just isn't fucking fair.

I give Miley my heart and she spits in my face. It's all so lovely.

Her dad is picking her up and taking her to the airport, and I know I have one last chance.

I jump off my bed, shake off the sorrow, and race to the college entrance. I spot Miley placing her suitcase in the trunk of Robbie's car and he waves at me through the windshield, oblivious to what happened between Miley and I. I wave back and make my way towards Miley. She scowls when she sees me, but I don't care.

"Miley, I'm ready to tell you why I ignored you," I say urgently, clutching her arm.

She waits.

"I'm in love with you," I blurt. Her eyes widen and her jaw falls.

I did it. I finally told Miley. She is left speechless and I feel so very exposed.

"Lilly, I- I..."

"You coming, bud?" Robbie interrupts.

"I have to go."

And that's it. She removes her arm from my hold, walks around to the passenger's side of the car, climbs in, and leaves.

It is long after she disappears on the horizon that I wipe the tears from my eyes and whisper much too late, "Don't go."

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**Thanks for giving me your time.**


End file.
